We have all been there. We need to have a conversation with someone, and we expect it to be heated, uncomfortable, and maybe confrontational. So, we avoid it, even talk ourselves out of it, “Maybe it’s better just to drop the issue. Maybe it’s not that big of a deal.” But the issue lingers, replays in your mind, and interrupts your productivity.
These conversations are not going to be fun, but they can be productive. First, we need to check our perspective. Ask ourselves quality questions to be sure we know what the real issue is. What about the behavior is troubling? What happens if the behavior doesn’t change? What gets better if it does change? Clarifying the issue within your own mind can make it easier when you are in the meeting. It can also clarify the facts vs the stories about the concern.
Next, consider the other person’s perspective. Just as you have an opportunity to prepare for the meeting, it is good to provide them with information before the meeting as well. This allows them to think through their own perspective of the situation. Often, we skip this step thinking that giving them a heads up will make them angrier. Perhaps they will be angry, but it also means the initial shock has had time to diminish. An email with clear facts about observable behavior is important. Encourage them to send questions in advance so both of you can begin thinking through the discussion early. Think through how they might see this information as well. What might things look like from their perspective? Consider information they might want to know and prepare it for the meeting. If there is a negative response, let them know that they are heard and valued and that the conversation is a two-way street.
Heading into the meeting, remember to listen with curiosity and assume positive intent. Be sure to check your own emotional regulation prior to the meeting. It can be difficult when tensions are high to not meet escalation with escalation. Remember that this is not about you personally, it is about the situation at hand.
Listen with genuine curiosity about what they are thinking, feeling, and experiencing rather than preparing your rebuttal while they speak. Ask questions like, “tell me more” or “what else,” to encourage them to express themselves fully. If they challenge you, embrace it as a way to get to the root of the problem. Challenge in a conversation is not necessarily an attack. Often, it is simply the expression of another perspective. Use coaching questions and reflection to explore the challenge.
These conversations may still end with the other person being unhappy. Remember to focus on what you can control, your emotions, your thoughts, and your behavior. Then act intentionally within what you can control. That means staying accountable to whatever you agreed to in the meeting, whether that was enforcing behavior change, adjusting your own behavior, or helping with the change.
Follow up the meeting with an email recap that outlines what was discussed and next steps. Include a request for them to reply with their understanding of these next steps in their own words, including timelines. Acknowledge positive behaviors and ideas from the meeting to encourage continued communication.
Challenging conversations may never become comfortable, but they can become productive. When approached with preparation, curiosity, emotional regulation, and a coaching mindset, we can embrace challenge as an opportunity for understanding and a clearer path forward.
